Varg Vikernes (via Burzum.org)

I have hilarious news to comment on, but first I want to delve a little bit into the backstory that makes it so funny.

See that smiling face?  You might not know him.  His name is Varg, but he also goes by Count Grishnackh.  He is the mastermind behind Norway’s own Burzum, the band pretty much responsible for the entire ambient black metal genre.  As most people know, there was a huge crisis in Norway when black metal bands started setting churches on fire; Varg was one of the people charged with arson.  Not only that, but he was also charged with the murder of Mayhem guitarist Euronymous.  He’s the basic story as told by Wikipedia:

“In late January 1993, Varg Vikernes of Burzum was interviewed by a journalist from Bergens Tiende.  Vikernes had allegedly requested the interview in order to gain publicity for the black metal scene and for Oystein Aarseth’s (Euronymous’ real name) record store Helvete. However, the interview led to a police investigation and Vikernes was put under arrest for a week. Aarseth decided to close his record store due to this negative attention.

On 10 August 1993, Vikernes and Snorre Ruch travelled from Bergen to Aarseth’s apartment in Oslo. Upon their arrival a confrontation began, which ended when Vikernes fatally stabbed Aarseth. His body was found outside the apartment with twenty-three cut wounds – two to the head, five to the neck, and sixteen to the back.

It has been speculated that the murder was the result of a power struggle, a financial dispute over Burzum records, or an attempt at “out doing” the stabbing in Lillehammer. Vikernes claims that Aarseth had plotted to torture him to death and videotape the event – using a meeting about an unsigned contract as a pretext. On the night of the murder, Vikernes claims he intended to hand Aarseth the signed contract and “tell him to fuck off”, but that Aarseth attacked him first. Additionally, Vikernes defends that most of Aarseth’s cut wounds were caused by broken glass he had fallen on during the struggle.

Regardless of the circumstances, Vikernes was arrested within days, and a few months later was sentenced to 21 years in prison for both the murder and church arsons. In a controversial display, Vikernes smiled at the moment his verdict was read, an image that was widely reprinted in the news media.”

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As the story goes, Euronymous was a fucked up kind of guy.  When Mayhem’s vocalist Dead actually…well, died, Euronymous took pictures of the suicide, allegedly made a necklace out skull fragments, and get this – planned to eat some of the brain.  Fucked up, right?  Well, Varg was thinking about getting a live band together so he hired Euronymous for guitar duties.  Eventually, he realized the music was better suited to one person, so along with the other members, he kicked Euronymous out.  What you just read is what ensued afterwards.

Long story short, Varg has been serving his prison sentence since 1994 and in March of this year he was granted parole.  Some people contend that he was just a rebellious boy who got caught up with some dangerous people; others believe he’s a psychopath with an anti-everything approach to life.  The latter belief spawned a book called Lords of Chaos: The Bloody Rise of the Satanic Metal Underground.

Are you ready for the hilarious news?  Lords of Chaos the book is about to become Lords of Chaos the movie.  The film is being directed and produced by three Asians and one white guy from L.A.  Seriously?  Couldn’t they have gotten someone…from NORWAY?!  What, do they not make movies in Norway or something?

But that’s just the tip of the iceberg; now it’s about to get really hilarious.  Someone has to play Varg Vikernes in the movie.  Who do these three Asians and the one white guy from L.A. pick?  None other than Jackson Rathbone:

Jackson Rathbone (via Roadrunner Records)

Just for clarification, this drama queen played Jasper in the movie…TWILIGHT.

Jasper Hale (via Freewebs)

I have officially seen it all.  A story about facism, heathenism, Satanism, murder, cannibalism, arson, suicide, and black metal is going to star a pre-pubescent looking actor from a movie that spawned a nationwide I-wish-I-was-a-vampire-so-that-I-could-have-sex-with-pale-men-and-not-be-criticized phenomenon in the hearts of littler girls all over the U.S.

I can’t believe it.  You can’t make this stuff up!  Varg has already called the book a bunch of lies; what do you think he’s going to say when he sees the film adaptation?  I mean are they trying to instigate his supposed murderous tendencies?  It’s different if you write a book critical of an alleged murderer and that alleged murderer has no chance of parole (Charles Manson is a good example, even though he was more responsible for mind control than murder).  This is a direct attack on a man who won’t be behind bars anymore.  If you truly believe that he is so dangerous, do you really think commercializing the story behind his arrest is a good idea?  I don’t know.  What I do know is Jackson Rathbone is in way over his head.  The kid probably thinks, “oh yeah, I’ll take a great serious role to help me break the Twilight routine,” when in reality all he’s going to do is piss off a bunch of black metal fans in Norway and around the world.  He probably has no idea.

Can pop culture ruin metal anymore than it already has?  I guess so.